I have noone to talk to right now and I'm upset, so I need to just type some shit down for a bit to chill.

It really hurts that I'm a secret when it comes to Bert's family. He hides his comments on myspace, he has no pictures of me and him, and he deleted one of our friends picture comments cos it mentioned me and him going out...
It's fucking childish and I can't stand it. And it doesn't make me mad... just really fucking sad.. because I feel like he's ashamed of me.
I understand his family probably wouldn't see me as the type of girl he should be dating, but seriously.. he's 19 years old.. not 15. I tried to talk to him about it the other day before he left and he said they wouldnt appreciate him dating "a chubby short punk feminist chick with piercings and two tattoos that used to have a mohawk and has a GED".

I mean other then that bullshit we have been great.. but hiding me is really fucking upsetting, he hasn't even told his brother and they like hang out n shit... it makes no fucking sense to me. My whole family knows him and is aware we are dating and I'm glad they do, because hiding it is stupid and I don't hide things from my dad. But settin' rules that I can't give him hickies... and not even inviting me into his house and deleting comments and stupid shit is bullshit and I don't know what else to say to him. I've been upset about it since he left on Sunday and I don't want to bring it up right now because he's going to get pissed off. I guess I'm too much of a failure to be exposed to his completely and totally functional family(sarcasm).

Whatever... I'll just talk to him about it next time he is over.

Shit. It's 9:40 am on a sunday and I'm fucking awake. Lately my sleeping patterns have been odd and I have been getting up early. But that's a good thing I suppose. I'm waiting until around 12 or so so I can go to Food Not Bombs. Since things slowed down with it I havent been going and I feel bad. Food Not Bombs was one of my favorite things to do. Trying to pick back up on it, it's just usually on Sundays Bert is over and we sleep in and are completely unmotivated to get up. But yeah, Chanel should be here within the next hour or so to go with me.

Thursday Crystal and Bert came over and me and Bert were exchanging Christmas gifts... and I had gotten him a Chaotic Dischord shirt and a Court Martial "gotta get out" EP. I was fucking excited because I THOUGHT I heard him say that he wanted that record... and I thought he'd be stoked.. Well, when I pulled it out he started laughing at me and I'm like FUCK YOU ALREADY HAVE IT!! and he's like "not only that.." and pulls out one of the 7inches he got me and there it was. HAHAHA. He already had two copies of it and I completely fucking forgot. I'm so fucking pissed because I spent like almost 30 dollars on it and he bought both of his together for less than 20. But he liked the shirt he wore it all day and the next day. And he gave me like 4 or 5 7"s. Then we saw a few bands(Frat Boys, Archaic, HRT and some other shit) at Gills. It was pretty chill.

This weekend pretty much has blown because usually Bert is over but he had shit to do and Crystal has family shit to do. I'm stoked for Christmas though because I got an iPod. Sweet shit. I can't buy anyone else Christmas presents until afterwards when I might have some casssh. I still need to get a job. I only applied to 4 places so far and I called Payless about my application and the guy was like really nice and sounded like Mister Rogers and told me he would put my name down because they should be reviewing applications soon. I need to call back Cinema Cafe and Dollar General.

My mom has a place now and a job. I'm attempting to be nicer to her and keep some sort of civil relationship. idk yet.


Well for now I'm done. I'll get back to this shit later.


Figure I'd post some pictures. It's been a while.







me n crystal in RVA.

Bert made that, because he is a fucking dork.

It's Thanksgiving. My house smells fucking weird and there is cat puke in my hallway I refuse to pick up. Not really doing anything today. My dad made food early and I ate a little bit. Now I'm stuck on this bitch with nothing to do because everyone is busy with their families.

I have recently lost two of my really good friends(Alex and Bonnie) due to stupid bullshit and having completely different life styles. I never did anything wrong besides tell the truth. I have been honest and Bonnie has done some FUCKED up shit to me. I guess my sarcasm and my way of dealing with situations such as this gave off the wrong idea. When I told her I didn't not want to be friends. But whatever.
Alex is a whole different story. Me and her just don't get along. And never will. Not after what has been said to each other. According to her I Am Spoiled, Am Veggie because of everyone else, and am Close minded. If anyone knew Alex the way I did... They would know she is out of her fucking mind. Because she is the most close minded person I have ever met. And me.. spoiled? I guess because My dad provides for me like a parent should means I'm spoiled.

Whatever. It's retarded.

The thing about it is.. I don't care at all. I have been happy lately. Mentally I have been doing very well. Besides severe boredom. Me and Bert are doing very well and my weekends are usually awesome. Not like we do much. It's usually just me him and Crystal hanging out watching movies and doing random shit. But it's nice.

I do need to get a job very soon though. I have nothing to do during the week and it's getting so fucking boring. I'm getting in driving classes sooon. My dad is supposed to sign me up.

Gah. I'm on Barf control now too. Isn't that EXCITING.

I don't know what else to write.

I think I'm bored enough to type in this yet again.

Lately things have been pretty good. If only I had more things to do to fill in my days. I'm trying to get a bit more motivated to get a job and start riding the bike more as well, but bike rides are so much more fun when you are with someone. (speaking of that, I slammed my ass and my VAG into my bike the other day, HURRAY for slippery shoes.)

Just about every weekend I chill with Crystal and Bert(And things with me and him are going quite well). Which makes my weekends rule pretty hard. I'm trying to start hanging out with people I havent chilled with in a while. Start calling up people. If only everyone wasn't so busy. I have too much fucking free time.

I recently found out my mother's boyfriend is a sex offender... Fucking disgusting. My fucking mom is an idiot. She wont get off my ass either about sex and shit. She keeps asking me if I'm still a virgin.. and telling me that she was pregnate and married at my age... I don't give a FUCK. shit is gross, I'm not talking to my mom about my fucking sex life. I woke up the other day to her trying to cuddle with me.... FUCKING DISGUSTING, VILE, AND PUTRID.

Oh god, First Gyno appointment is on Halloween... I DON'T WANNA!!!

One random interesting event: Me and Laura were bored as shit last night and noone could hang out cos it was already past curfew.. So we end up calling up Kolleen and then headed out to her house in Richmond. HAHA. Then chilled with her for a few hours.. then by 7am Laura wanted to leave because she felt sick. ridiculous.

I've decided I'm going to go to college for Zoology and Wildlife conservation. I'm going to TRY to get into Evergreen(WA). But I guess I'll have to worry about getting a job and all that shit here before I worry about school out there.

Timmy wants me to do vocals for his band... I thought about it... Sang along to a few songs alone at home, and realized I CANT do it.. I feel bad.. But I can't. I'd rather play bass.

(I'm just typing random shit I can think of.. Typing is quite enjoyable right now.)

HALLOWEEN NIGHT:
FRAT BOYS
BOMBER
ARCHAIC
@ SOME BRIDGE/TRAIN TRACKS.

HAHA
STOKED.

Been a while since I've written anything in this..
I'm not really in the mood to put down much that has gone down in the past month and a half.. my birthday ruled hard as hell.. and bonnie left and is back for a month cos she has all these sores on her body.

Anyways, I'm kinda feeling shitty right now. Worrying about stuff I shouldnt be worrying about. Thinking aboout moving to WA and whats going to happen when I do... I shouldnt think about it... at all.. it upsets me.. but makes me happy at the same time. I don't know.. I'll finish this later.. I lost my motivation to write..

Also... how retarded is it that you can post on live journal via cell phone?? I'm starting to get tired of every website I signed up for.. including myspace.

Well shit.
The past few weeks have been pretty good. Been Staying off the computer. Bert has been over alot the past week or so. Alex and Timmy are still here.. and Are leaving soon....... Along with Bonnie..

I dont really know how to take it. I know shes getting out, and I'm happy for her.. But I feel like I'm losing another good friend.. I most likely wont ever see her again.... Maybe someday once I'm on the west Coast, Cos she plans to move out there in CA to live with her Uncle eventually. This is fucking depressing.

My mom came over Sunday... And Tells me my Granny is in the hospital for attemping to kill herself...... My first reaction... Is of course, to be shocked... and almost on the verge of tears.. and my mom goes "whats the matter??". WTF DOES SHE THINK IS WRONG.. then for about 30 mins she keeps follwing me around the house telling me it isnt her fault.. Which I didnt say anything.. I'm just trying to gather all the shit together in my head..
I love my Grandma to death. Shes one of the sweetest people in the world.. and She tried to kill herself... And yeah, it was my mom and her sisters fault.. She even wrote them a long letter before she did it... Shes a 70 year old woman.. and cant just chill, because she has those stupid fucks up her ass. Fuck them. I havent talked to her yet.. but I heard she is now in a psycriatric hospital.. Of all the crazy fucks in my family... shes sent to a mental home.... It's bullshit...Noone called me... or told me anything about it... My brother doesnt know.. And I'm scared to call and tell him, but I need to..
My mom is such a selfish piece of shit... "its not my fault".

Fuck you mom.



Other then all the bullshit.. My life has been pretty good. I'm pretty content with where I am.. and the fact that I'm unemployed. I'm enjoying my summer.

I'm done writing/typing.

Ah so.. I'm not going to type much. But I've been pretty good lately I guess.
Me and Bert are going back out again, which is chill. I'm supposed to see him sometime today I hope. I dont know. But shit. Alex and her new boyfriend Timmy are here visiting. It's so nice to chill with people you havent seen in a while. Ha, well... I'm done for now. I'm going to go keep myself occupied until we go get bert, or find something to do.

Still kinda feel like shit.. but I feel a bit better since today was nice..
I'll catch up on a few things. (im typing my week backwards kinda haha)

Today Britt woke me up early. We went swimming in her moms small ass pool. I got kinda burnt on my face, so I went home and showered, got ready, then Laura picked me and Britt up and we drove to Lennhaven to chill and meet up with her friend. Then afterwards we went to the Ocean Front and walked around for a while. Played some pool, Went into a shit load of shops and just looked around. Laura and her friend left, and we met up with James.. and watched some band on the strip haha. Then went home.

Yesterday was Food Not Bombs. I slept in late due to the previous night(I'll get into that later). So Bonnie left me. Laura came and got me, Angel and Kolleen and we drove out to the Lorrane house and helped in the kitchen. Bonnie, Greer, and Kolleen decided to stay and get drunk... which is the 2nd week they have done this to me. Whatever, anyways. Me, Laura, Kiera, David, Ben and Justin went downtown to serve. It was a pretty good day. Me and Laura drove torwars home, and she made a wrong turn, so we ended up close to NC I think.. hahaha. But we talked alot about shit... and it was pretty nice. Got home and Talked to Crystal as well. I guess talking about alot of shit was what really led to my last post.

Hmm. Saturday me and Bert walked to the bus stop at like... 12. Took the bus to the Ocean Front. Walked around alot. Played pool.. well sorta, I kinda got pissed off at something and took it out on him, which was fucking uncalled for. Anyways, Later We met up with Crystal then Patrick and Casey. Walked around some more then Got in line for the show. The show was beyond amazing. Great fucking turn out. ALOT of people came, even for the local bands. We had fucking security guards being dicks. But when Casualties came on we over powered those basstards and like the whole crowd was on stage. And they played Rejected and Unwanted. :)))) Great night

Friday... Bert, Angel, and Kolleen came over. We all hung out.. played hide and seek,ate ice cream and watched movies. It was pretty fun. I cant remember much haha.

idk whatever. that was my sweet ass weekend.

Tommarro is a show at this new place called Steppin' Out, but I'm not sure if I can get out there or get money. And hopefully I can go to Busch Gardens with Britt wensday.

CLIT Fest is in a few weeks. I NEED A RIDE!!!!!!

Theres too much running through my mind.. Kinda have alot to put down in this bitch.

Well shit, where to start?
Lately I've been more active then usual. Which is great. Been going to Norfolk alot lately. Doing Food Not Bombs Sundays. Trying to keep myself kinda busy, so I can not be bored and lazy all the time due to not being in school anymore. I need to get my back tire fixed in my bike, then hurray for bike rides. Wish I had a beach cruiser.

I could say I've been kinda happy lately.. But at the same time I feel like shit all the time. Theres so much on my mind all the time.. and I guess I could be more specific, since I know noone really reads this anyways, haha.
But yeah, Me and Bert are like best friends, I'm so grateful for that, to have a guy friend i can talk to about pretty much anything. And I'm happy that all the bullshit hes put me through that we can still be close friends. But I still am in this mentality that we are going to get back together, and its pointless. Weve talked about it once and I understand, but why the fuck can't I get over the fact that we aren't together? Why can't I just be fucking happy?
I really need to be close with someone. Any guy thats interested in me I cant possibly be interested in. We never have anything in common or they are just plain annoying. I'm tired of being alone and seeing everyone being happy with their stupid boyfriends. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for my friends and their boyfriends. Its great to see them happy. But I hate the fact that I cant have that. Its not possible for me to find someone interesting. Plus I'm still stuck on Bert. I think about all of this so much. And I hate it.

Not only all of that, But recently Ben, otherwise known as Mancub, Died in a car accident along with his girlfriend. I only met him one time, but he was so nice and his music IS great. He was coming back to RVA then to Norfolk to play a show.. Its so crazy how a life can so easily be taken... Really makes you think you know?

This summer I plan to go to California to see Danny and Jonny.. And Florida To see Alex and Greg.
I want to fly out to CA, hopefully my dad will do that for me.. as a graduation present haha
And I plan to save some money and take a bus to FA. It should be cheap.. and i guess id be squatting cos they dont have a place.. doesnt bother me, i just want to see them. i miss them so fucking much.
I hate it here.. and that would be great, to get away from everyone for a bit.

Everyone is asking me what I'm going to do now... that I'm out of school. I really dont want to do anything. haha. I plan to get a job.. further into the summer. But other then that, I want to enjoy my small amount of freedom for a little bit.

But yeah, I'm done for the moment.

I took my GED test. Passed it. Get my results in the mail next week. I'm fucking stoked.

Agenda for this weekend ha:
Tommarro: pick up bert. Chill.. be dumbasses.
Sunday: We all take the bus to Norfolk.. Benifit show and Food Not Bombs.

Should be fun.


I'm not in the mood for typing. I will finish this later.

Fucking shit. I'm really bored. Irritated cos my computer and aim is responding slowly... so im getting ims all late and im trying to talk to bert.

Ugh anyways.

Last weekend=amazing

Saturday we picked up bert then went to the beach and chilled. Then we all got in a fight over a fucking blanket.. shit was ridiculous.
Sunday- Chanel, Charlie, Bonnie, Bert, Britt, James, and I all drove in the van to Richmond to see: Total Chaos, Social Dropouts, No Way Out, The Ghouls and RESILENCE at the Rocks.
SHIT WAS AWESOME. I got some good pictures too. it was really fun.. i love Richmond shows.. i love RVA in general.
The ride home was really long..

I started the GED Program and the instructor said i should be taking the GED test by May 15.
This kid TC(the bassist for Toxic Avenger) is in my class so I actually have someone to talk to.
The class is easy. and i only go for half of the week.


Tommarro Britt is supposed to pick me up in James's car early and were gonna go drive around and do something. Then at 7 were gonna see: Wasted Time, Toxic Avenger, Frat Boys and Double Negative at Phils Grill.
Anne is going! I havent seen that motha fucka in a long ass time.
Should be awesome.

And I fucking LOVE Karma Sutra.

Ugh.

So today I'm really irritated and I don't know.. I'm just getting so sick of people's bullshit.

First off.. It's 4-20.. and I am surrounded by friends that smoke, so its annoying me.. plus i had to deal with this dude who posted some bullshit.. and this is out conversation:(start at the bottom with the stupid picture)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plenty of reasons why its stupid.... Exploit chicks to get the word out about legalizing marjuana... Legalizing marijuana isnt going to happen if a bunch of fucking dumbasses join together and make a website. What the fuck is spreading the word going to do? Get more people to think it would be cool? Thats about it. Theres alot more important shit to worry about. And using sex to exploit the idea pisses me off even more. Jesus fucking christ.


----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Spud {BloopSquad}
Date: Apr 20, 2007 4:07 PM


why is it stupid

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Älly Ävöcädö
Date: Apr 20, 2007 1:23 PM


Thats fucking stupid.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Spud {BloopSquad}
Date: Apr 20, 2007 11:46 AM


its a legalize marijuana site that uses sex to help spread their message of cannibus awareness
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Älly Ävöcädö
Date: Apr 20, 2007 11:37 AM


420 girls? wtf is that shit? Just chicks that pose with weed and shit?

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Spud {BloopSquad}
Date: Apr 20, 2007 7:39 AM





420 Magazine
Creating Cannabis Awareness Since 1993
http://www.420Magazine.com



It makes me sick to my stomach how people act like women are only used for sex. It pisses me off. Women are not fucking products. and what upsets me even more is that chicks fall into this bullshit.. God damn it. I don't even really know what to write..
this is a song I wrote a couple months ago.. its not finished and isn't really that great. UGH.

Packaged and sold by men
molded and told to be ideal women
Imperfections are NOT to be accepted
Spend thousands of dollars to be disected
Dedicated life and money so you can impress
Cos all that really matters is the way you look and dress
Dont think and dont fucking talk
Just learn how to shake it when you walk
Throw up your food and show off your tits
Wear any clothing that doesn't fit.
The only reason for your existense is for sex.
You are not a human being... youre a PRODUCT.

Started GED Program monday.
Very boring but its worth it. most def.
I dont have schools thursdays or fridays.
get out early on wensdays.
Got a bike also. My transportaion on wensdays.
I need someone to hang out with and bike ride with.

Fuckin' going to RVA Sunday with Bert, Britt, Bonnie, Chanel and Charlie. Van full of motha fuckas. Seeing Total Chaos. Awesome.

Dad took me driving in the parking lot at pemBROKE. did alright.


I'm really bored. I think I might go clean. My dad has been bitching and I feel bad.


I'll write more later.

I'm making things worse for myself.
I fucking hate it.
I kinda can't do anything about it tho.
It's complicated.
I wonder if anyone actually reads these posts..
or has a fucking clue what I'm talking about.

So.. Saturday, I got my permit. :))))))))))))))))


I'm having a "party" since my dads outa town. hahaha







Hell yeah.



This spring break should be nice.


I went to RVA with my brother, bekki and Victoria saturday afternoon. We got there and hungout and ate.. then i got them to drop me off at the rocks for a show.. I came late so I only got to see Mutiny. But it was nice.. then kolleen called me and met me up there and we ate pizza. Then we went back to her place and chilled. Next day we went to my brothers then drove back home.
Yesterday niggas came over and chilled and drank and whatnot. now im BORED.


ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I hate staying up late sometimes..

I get too depressed cos I think about too much shit.

Jonny came back from camp to visit home or whatever.. so i can talk to him on aim.. too bad hes leaving tommarro. I'm trying to go to CA this summer to visit. that would be amazing.



i'll write later. im tired

Jonny is so awesome.

NukeThePeace90 (4:45:14 AM): yeah exactly.
NukeThePeace90 (4:45:18 AM): dont burn your bridges.
NukeThePeace90 (4:45:52 AM): i know it.
NukeThePeace90 (4:46:20 AM): just gotta stay strong and dont let your personal feelings override what you got now ya know.

I'm no longer tired.. And I have no school.. not until after spring break.. which starts friday..
I havent been in a week due to the fact that I am now in the GED Program. When me and my dad went to go sign up she showed me the results of my Pre Test.. and the grades were high as hell. I was amazed to see how well I did. It made me feel awesome. I got a 680 on one of them and a 410 is passing. Anyways, The instructor told me that looking at my scores she thinks I could have my GED by May. Its so insane that I will be out of school at 16. I've decided I want to do something that involes photography and nature/animals. I want to Travel.


This past week I've been thinking about alot of shit.. Mainly just one thing. Pretty much about the last thing I posted. As much as this shit sucks, I know I still have a great friend.. and worrying about it is just retarded. Losing that friend would be the worst thing.. and its not worth that. Nothing is worth that risk. Guess I just gotta get over it then eh?

ugh.

Oh shit. I saw Vexed Youth last weekend. It was amazing. I fucking love that band. Because of them Volume no longer has punk shows. haha.. kinda sucks.. but it was worth it. :)

I want to start setting up shows.. But I need bitches to help me.. I might make a site or something for it.. I wish the guys at relative theory werent such pricks.

The weather has been amazing lately. Its fucking awesome. I can't wait for summer.




I love this picture.

I'm fucking retarded.. But I cant help it. I wish I could stop being so dumb and get over it.. Stop hoping for shit thats not going to happen. Ugh. whatever.. anyways.


I got in the GED Program. I register Tuesday or Wensday. Awesome. I should be done with school by the end of this year. I dont feel like typing about anything else right now. im tired.


oh and i dyed my hair red again.

dfdfdfgdfg